Latest News: Jaye officially became Julianne in August 2011, and is now glad to be living and working fulltime in her affirmed gender role...

SO, why write a bio? After all it might seem somewhat self indulgent, but then it may also be cathartic, a log of one’s journey... and if on the way it helps understanding, or even helps another person on their journey, then that’s also good. So here goes, in no particular order, but more a stream of consciousness... which I will add to as and when I can or feel inspired to... in the hope that it will in turn inspire others.

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Why? If this even really needs to be addressed at all, because there are many things that people do without asking or needing to know why they do them... Well the first thing to say is: for me it’s like that scene in Billy Elliott, when he is just leaving the audition for the RBS and they ask him what it feels like when he dances. Initially, he finds it hard to put into words, but then it comes to him: “I feel free... like electricity running through my body...” That is in a microcosm, how I feel when I am able to allow Jaye to express herself. It goes far beyond clothes, fashion, or style, even femininity: it runs from something far deeper, and inner yearning.

Purging: Many of us have gone through phases of “purging” at some point in our lives, probably for all kinds of reasons. From my background of having grown up with an intense, personal faith, I find the very term “purging” curious – implying a sense of cleansing, and therein a notion of perceived uncleanness! Maybe that was how I felt, unclean, or that it was wrong? But is anything ever that simple? I am sure that each of us will face or hit all kinds of challenges throughout our lives, and likewise we will probably handle them in different ways too. But what I do feel different about now is that I found a sense of belonging, of community like no other that I can draw on for support.

Perception: For me personally, the added complication of faith, saw an intense battle inside me – a “perceived” conflict between my expression of Jaye and my heartfelt beliefs. I say “perceived” because over time I realised it was more imagined than real: how I was seeing things rather than as they really were. I came to see that my dressing was not so much an addiction as a form of expression. In that sense, I still hold to the view that to all intents and purposes the person you see before you as Jaye when you meet her is no different a person from the same person when he presents in a male form. This is more about societal constructs of conformity and an overstated adhesion to the supposed gender binary... life as it turns out is so much more of a spectrum of greys and colours: and all the more interesting and vital for it too!

Belonging: For so long I felt that I was alone, a freak, a pervert even, perhaps someone who was ill? Even when I discovered the wonderfully diverse transgendered community on the Internet – which proved to me I was NOT alone – I still came and went with emotional peaks and troughs, creating and terminating online identities several times, and returning the clothes to drawers or cupboards (I am lucky in that I have never actually binned anything!)... Only to return some weeks or in some cases months later. However, deep inside my confidence was growing, although at this point I hadn’t truly allowed Jaye into my world. It was only in mid 2004 when I experienced my first real makeovers and, as you can see for yourself, started to venture out in public for the first time as Jaye: which itself was some kind of 'birthing' experience...

Makeovers: To be honest I dreaded looking in that mirror the first time: I really thought I was going to look dreadful and I would easily be able to just walk away and never even want to do it again. But it says something for Linda’s delicate and thoughtful makeup skills... and for something like 20 minutes I sat speechless gazing at this new creature who was looking back at me. Those of you who know me will recognise that I am rarely lost for words, well this was such a moment.

Conflict: It was then that I began to make some life-changing decisions and probably the main one was to allow Jaye to flourish. The second was to stop fighting. Hence I have gentle withdrawn from my spiritual struggle to ease that sense of perceived conflict I was experiencing. The reality for me was that I just could NOT kill off Jaye – even if I had wanted to, which to be honest I didn’t: it would have been like killing a real person. And yet I see or feel that Jaye is actually inside me: as much a part of my world as any other aspect. For me this has been a huge revelation, and accepting this has meant that so much of the pain I have felt over the years has eased. Sure, it hasn’t answered anything like most of my questions, by any means. But that sense of conflict has been removed, and many friends have told me I look and seem healthier and happier for it. I certainly feel like a new person, and even my wife and sons have said that I am generally easier to live with now.

Future: As for the future: we don’t really know where it’s going to lead: we will just have to see, but it is certain that I am on a journey which will involve many changes, and doubtless challenges on the way. Again, I am sure that many people will accuse me of making selfish decisions, but that often reveals a lack of comprehension about the kinds of issues facing transgendered people generally: it is so little about actual “choices” in the normal sense, as many of these are effectively made for you. It is more about making the best of difficult situations and doing what you know inside to be real and true to oneself. Sadly, in many cases this often means being separated from families and loved ones, and at extremes total alienation: I am hopeful that such a sad experience will not be mine...

In a year of more personal and major changes myself, including appointments with various clinicians etc, one thing I do know is that I would not have wanted to change my past years of discovery and experience, all that much: life has for me worked out the way it has, and I am choosing not to have too many regrets and overthink the "what ifs? It has also been a privilege to meet and befriend many other people in a similar situation to mine.